An Elegy

I thought I had it,

 I thought I had earned it somehow.

 A sense of entitlement, finally a sense of purpose.

I was brave now.

 I was courageous now I could face anything and everything.

I thought I had it, I thought I had earned it somehow.

God damn it I should've known!

You can't outgrow pain.

A solemn convenant. I was back in that place  again.

Everything I could do I did everything I could endure I did.

I had cleaned up my act I was reading more I was focused more.

I thought I had it,

I thought I had earned it somehow.

 I want to run, soar with the wind feel it ripple my wings I want peace.

Somebody please hurt me!

 Pain makes me sane I keep going back to the being that was never about Him.

 My mind always rampant on things I would rather forget.

But one mishap, one  word and am back  again.

 I would want to die

but death would probably give me more peace than I deserve.

As you learn to make yourself better.

 Teach me.

As you learn to forgive yourself for failing

. Teach me.

I have solely and mightily taken from me the nourishment of the heart.

 My life flows from dry, red flooding streams on my cheek bones.

I need to forgive myself.

If I can't forgive myself then why exist?

Inner peace outward appearance

I tell them am alright when infact nobody knows my story.

I got soo used to making everybody else better even at my own peril.

 God's plan I said.

 And then it takes from me leaves me bare,

 open to myself.

 I go home to get out of my skin and leave my bones to breath.

I walk among them but they can't see am dying  inside.

 We drink tea

Talk about the weather

talk about xenophobic attacks all the while am thinking to myself

"I could dig a whole beneath my bed get in nail myself shut"

Maybe just maybe when my rent is due only then can they find me.

I dont want them to find me alive! I want them to weep.

I want them to hurt as much as I did.

 I want them to be me!

Only then will everyone understand.

by: Mabatho  Khatleli